It's not you, it's clearly me

  11, 2012 16:39
First time I was told that I had no self preservation yesterday. Although funnily enough, someone did previously implied the same thing to me ages ago. Just not as point blank as this friend did.

It's a little hard to stomach. Might have been the alcohol that got to me as well (as I drank quite a bit sporadically that night. So, I was definitely a little high). I started reflecting on all my past relationships. Haha! I wasn't so lucky as Edmund. Being nice without a single self preservation just leads me into a lot of friendly relationships that involves me being taken advantage of. After a while, I end up acting the same way. Being taken advantage and taking advantage seemed like the two sides of the coin that I was dealt with. I wonder how many times have I already been hurt by that process, knowing that I was being taken advantage of, and yet... seemingly helpless to overcome the issue. Like a cycle of abuse that never fades away or ends.

Another good friend once pointed out that my laughter's quite hollow. It sounded fake. Like I wasn't sincere when I laughed and only laughed because it seemed appropriate to. I know that's true. I grew up, observing my own mother laughed her way through everything, despite being in a state of depression.

I might actually just be a hollow person inside. There's hardly anything I do that involves much progression in life. No hopes, no dreams, no strong aspirations. I mean, I have them but it's superficial. No mind of my own when making decisions in a group. I don't try to stand out. I try to shrink back and disappear when confronted with a large body of people. I can't even tell people to just quit it with the teasing. I can't stand a lot of things and yet, I've tempered myself to learn how to obediently shut up and take everything in. I wonder what's happened to me?

Couldn't help but cry a little in the shower last night to get things out. Highly doubt I could tell my feelings as sincerely as I pen it out on my blog. My sensitivity would just be a kill joy for others.

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