Growing up...

  16, 2014 21:58
For the longest time, I've often looked at classic books filled with old fashioned girls as my inspiration role models. Admittedly, I also fell in love with the positive minded, clear hearted Mary Jane characters such as Tohru from Fruits Baskets and Akari from Aria. Then there were my real life role models, Christina for her grace and poised perception of life with all her frankness, Sarah for her demure and family oriented personality; and Melissa for her spunkiness and courage which I wished I had in me.

Idolising them constantly use to wear me out. There were moments when I would look at myself and see in the mirror all the flaws of which I possessed. Mirrors became something I loathe in high school as they were a solid reminder of my unhappiness and discontent of the world. Why couldn't I be happy or positive minded? Why did I felt left out in a world that seems to dis courage anything less than perfect?

Amidst the many lessons that my mom tried to instil in me, I found myself completely at lost with my own character and personality. Wanting to be someone else - a picture of perfection - and wanting to be original was a hard choice to make. In a sense whilst I was being shaped into a mould by my mom, I found myself consciously and unconsciously resisting her. The me right now is the result of such undertaken actions. Neither here nor there. Just a character contorted out of a perfect shape yet still aiming to cling on to a remnant of my past.

When I went back to Malaysia, I saw my friends blossom into the lads and ladies that they chose to be. They were no longer one dimensional. They look contented and happy. No words could describe how beautiful they've become by their own willpower. Perhaps my pessimism is getting the better of me but where am I now? My achievements in life pales compared to them. Once again, I felt my flaws highlighted. Standing beside them, I felt like a shadow that grows ever smaller against such bright lights.

My mom never prepared me for any of this. Even being an old fashioned girl did not prepare me for the harshness of the world. Values that were so respected and honoured in the past seems to no longer have much value in the present. If my fears are wrongly placed, then forgive me. It's hard for me to even put them into concise words in detail.

While I try to stand tall, strong and imposing, I feel that my weakness and fears overwhelm me constantly. For instance, hearing that my mom has fallen back into depression as I apparently am the trigger. I have taken over my grandmother's place as the trigger to it. My heart pains hearing this uttered by my dad. Even more so when it is mentioned that she thinks of me as being promiscuous. My heart is weak as I sit and cry in a corner, weeping at this. Despite my misgivings, my mom is someone that I still love and cherish. My brain acknowledges that her poisonous words are due to her emotions running high. However, my heart aches from how deeply wounded it gets from the hit.

If I could let go and change, would it not be easier to not be hurt? To be different? Free? I want a fresh start but it hurts that I may not get what I want. I feel like I've tied myself significantly down enough to prevent moving forward. I wonder if she can read this? Hey, mom! If you can, what do you think I should do? I'm still lost and I need you.

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