DISC Personality Test

  12, 2015 07:26
In my lifetime, I'm really grateful towards Phe for being really understanding. Out of all my best friends, he's the only person I'm able to spend quality time with. He's also the only person to go above and beyond to provide me with the assistance that I require. Even if I don't understand that it's necessary.

As per my last blog entry, my psyche has taken a blow. I'm not entirely sure if I'm well at times. There's moments I'm waking up in the middle of the night, crying my heart out, feeling terribly frustrated at everything. To say that I've lost all motivations would be perhaps, the honest truth. My motivations were never strong. I was and has been, emotionally driven by many things. Happiness were my driving factor to success. But for every moment that my happiness was robbed away from me, my foothold crumbles ever so more and more. In a sense, I constantly feel a pit hole forming where I stand. Chains wrapped around my ankle, tethered to some unnatural force of gravity that follows the pit hole. I sink. I do not rise.

I've lost too much already. A home, a family, a country where I belonged, love. I feel empty. I feel there is no longer any denying that I could possibly ever achieve happiness. Happiness comes naturally to some. It is not for the unfortunate. I desperately yearn to be saved. I desperately yearn for a prince charming. It's all for naught. Those are just fairy tales. This is the era where the princess rises and fights for survival. Or does she? What would one slit or a couple of pills do to change everything? Sometimes there's just something enchanting about endless sleep. To dream forever in a world where acceptance is guaranteed.

Digressing from the topic. Really, I have trouble keeping my thoughts perfectly in tandem. Less beating around the bush.

Phe helped me partake in a DISC profiling test that was supposed to equip me with knowledge about my personality in a work environment. The test results were a bit hard to swallow in certain areas. The things that made sense was my emotional need for a welcoming environment, a clear direction and the chance to be a supporter. I'm a thorough supporter who believes in the vision of my boss. I would go many miles to prove that. It also defined that I loved working behind the scenes. These are certainly aspects that I know of myself. Being an SME would have driven me nuts as it did. I enjoyed assisting as a player support in opposition to a community coordinator. In a way, through the experience, I bit off more than I could chew. Whilst I was desperate to help, my information always felt insufficient and I just didn't know how best to convey it.

What got to me was the knowledge that on common ground, the areas for awareness of my motivational insights was so far removed from most that it meant I needed a very specific environment to thrive. I needed an environment that provided recognition to my service, that appreciated me for following the norm, to have that opportunity to be the "doer" instead of the spokesperson. That did not come to fruition in anywhere but Dynamic 8 oddly enough. Most companies expect you to perform above and beyond. To take charge when necessary. Yet, I often differ in many situations and sometimes act recklessly because I'm hasty to prove myself. I lack the confidence in those environments where I don't feel I have enough acceptance or appreciation. Underperforming only happens because of my intense fears. Fear from losing my job. Fear from glaring stares.

Cocoon, abrasive, try hard.

Perhaps I'm going about it the wrong way. People don't need my type of personality in the work field. I'm too green and too traditionalist to be able to work properly. I fail from the start by being born in the wrong era that doesn't define myself or my traits. I'm the type that is obsolete. Surely, that's the case.

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2017,08.03 (Thu)  12:44
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