So. Today is one of those days I'm also bored and speechless.
Mentally can't figure out if I can even hand in my assignment. (Doubt it)
Annoyed to death by the sound of my laptop fan which has started making ticking sounds.
Annoyed to death by my laptop crashing constantly.
Annoyed to death that I can't find my Nikon promo disc to edit pictures.
Annoyed to death that the books I need were checked out.
Annoyed to death that some of the photos I took were horrid because of lighting. It never showed up initially on the freaking screen.
Mentally stupid enough to go and google people I haven't talked with for 5/6 years now.
*nods head*
Yeah, today's a boring day. *Sigh*
On other news, I have my picks of pictures that I enjoy.
It was awesome. I love the ladies at the EGL OZ community. You guys rock. Now if only I could make my pictures rock as much as you do. XD
There isn't a title I can think of to perfectly write or describe my emotions right now.
Am I perhaps one of those rare few who think and remember some of my friends fondly?
As per my last post... it's my friend's birthday today. One whom I wasn't that close with but I felt a bigger connection to compared to my grandparents. Unlike Lesley, I have a difficulty moving on from reflecting about someone's death. But maybe that's because Shironu and me aren't even sisters so the blood ties or memories are different? Maybe it's that Shironu was, at that time, the closest or almost ideal daughter to my mom but not entirely... and that made her both my rival and friend as well?
I don't know. It's really hard to describe the bubbling feeling in me. I am easily tied down to emotional ties unlike others. Call it the foolish side in me but... I feel that I am much more connected to others in that very sense. If I let go of the past too easily... I don't think I'd be able to recover. I'd be completely at lost with no concurrent idea of where I should go or move on from here.... Perhaps it would be easier to say that my past is what ties me down... It is also the pillar that supports me and makes me stay on the ground... Without it, I am nothing.
People say that I'm smart, creative and intelligent. It's just words and I cry from it when I hear praises. Odd, don't you think? Most people would cherish and love hearing praises... but I cringe when I hear it and act in disbelief. It is not a mere case of lack of self-confidence (which I suffer from), but it is fact that when I compare myself with people like Khanat or Melissa or even Christina, I am lacking in everything. Maturity, sense of direction... etc... I am not as what I'm being praised of. I'm just a normal human being. T____T Praises can only get someone a certain way. Maybe, I suppose, it is a form of acknowledgement and encouragement... I won't know since I was always an average student with a fair share of fails, canning, whacking and yelling directed my way. So, I am an utter disbeliever of praises.
It's just like if you were to deprive a kid from a warm and comfortable home. He grows up alone, not understanding what a warm/comfortable home is. Then, you start showering him with it. There's a 50-50 chance that he would either react towards it or against it. I seem to fall on the later where I work against it. There's just something in me that clicks and I hear myself saying that when someone praises me, I'd work the other way around and aim to NOT be good. Funny, huh?
But let's not talk about me. The main point of the matter is that today's Shironu's day. It's a day to reflect and remember her. I wonder if she's reborn into this world already and in another form. What if she were beside me? What would I say to her if I see the little her? Would I laugh? Cry? Hug her tight? Never let her go? When I was at counseling today for my subjects, the counselor told told me that I should spent too much energy on thinking of the what if's... because it would drain me. However, isn't that human nature? To often regret and reflect on things? In this situation, I want to be given that opportunity to dream and remember her.
